Tuesday, December 30, 2008

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

we are living life in contradiction. for example, when someone says "do it" (i'm sorry, it's more like "DOIT!"), you might think someone wants you to do something. au contraire mon frere. someone wants to DOIT themself. herself. so don't go trying to help. because your help might be seen as a plotted strategy to destroy plans that have been in the making for.ever. (for 3 seconds). when one says "no k" your initial reaction might be "she said o.k., i should proceed." not so fast, fasty. "no k" is a hybrid. "no" and "ok." makes perfect sense right? "do you want me to tie your shoes?" "no k." um. this could go either way. i feel like a charlie's angel (kate, please) trying to choose between the red wire and the white wire seconds before the boat explodes. and this boat is about to explode. believe me. just so you know, R never wants help. except for that 1 out of 2,048 time. then she wants help. rightnow. andhowcouldyoubesostupidfornotknowing. when someone wants her baby stella to have juice. she doesn't mean you should bring down the juice. dumbass. she means she wants to be relocated to the juice. don't bring the juice to her. bring her to the juice. she said "juice" for cripe's sake. how could you not know that? here's another. "like it." aw. she likes it! she really likes it! um, no. she hates it. like means hate. d.u.h. also important to note: "big hug" means tackle when spoken during forward motion toward her brother. "crayons." "um, sure we can do crayons. let's clean up what we're doing. let's stop any plans that mommy had so that i can accommodate your every whim. let's get out the crayons." [exactly 1 crayon is touched. and then it's over]. so when you said crayons, you really meant "like it" as in you hate the crayons? i think i'm piecing this together. it's hard to be an angel. all of these complexities of semantics and God forbid you make the wrong choice! you're done. sabrina will be stuck gagged in that chair with her hands tied for.ever. she'll be stranded on the beach without a bikini. or a scarf. [gasp]. you'll be forced to start a luxurious clothing line to be sold at kmart. contradiction, remember?

next time i'll choose white.

Monday, December 22, 2008


consider this a Holy Ghost. i mean holy post. 'tis the season, after all. my kids are all about Jesus. we broke out the nativity scene a la little people that my sister gave us last year and the change of reaction from last year to this year was, um, spiritual. C and R are all about the baby Jesus. how did they know He was the star of the show? the angel is the one at the top. and she (are angels gendered? bygones.) even plays music. but no. they wanted Jesus. they didn't even prefer the donkey that carries food. R wanted to rock-a-bye baby Jesus. sigh. C wanted to put baby Jesus in the tree as an ornament. sigh. "JESUS!" "JESUS!" "JESUS!" (them, not me). yes, Jesus is getting a lot of airtime in our household. R and C wanted to know who everyone was. mary, mommy. joseph, daddy. well, um. kind of. actually God is baby Jesus' father. but they're both really God. and don't forget that Holy Ghost. no, that was halloween. oh, this is harder than i thought. damn you little people nativity. wait, that's just wrong. i also think it's wrong when you leave baby Jesus laying on the floor to later be stepped on by one bare mommy foot. "Jesus." (me, not them). it's like the scene from "the ref" (one of my all time favorites, ever, especially this time of year) when dennis leary bites into the baby Jesus cookie. but i didn't even get a cookie. we're still reeling from the dual birthday that occurred last month. so we sing happy birthday at least 5 times per day. still. last week C walked right up to the nativity, held baby Jesus cupped in his little hands and said "Merry Christmas Baby Jesus." sigh. now we're singing happy birthday to Jesus. wait. Merry Christmas Baby Jesus. Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. same thing. tonight we went to look at Christmas lights in a funky Christmas lights area, where the nativity scene may be comprised of sock monkeys. at some point R started saying "baby Jesus. up." i kept looking but i couldn't see what she saw. better start preparing now for Easter.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

economic crisis

ok. i used to think that having girl/boy twins was God's gift to me as a way to control my spending. ok girl/boy twins are a gift from God (or girl/girl twins. or boy/boy twins. or one girl. or one boy. but. i. digress.) for many reasons but go with me on this spending thing. girls clothes are freaking cute. the smaller, the cuter. boys clothes are not. period. the smaller the cuter here too but it's just not the same. so since i subscribe to the "even stevens" mentality, my spending is thus reduced because i will only (try) to purchase equal amounts of clothing. so if i can't find something cute for C, i try not to purchase for R. i try hard. it doesn't always happen. so now i think my limited spending theory is crap. o la. because what do i do? what i will do, as queen of justified purchases, is purchase expensive boys clothing to be even stevens with the amount of really cute girls clothing, even if said really cute girls clothing is from target. so what i have created is C busting out in expensive boutique items. they're still plaid. and striped. because, well, that's all you get. so i think it's costing more. all those people who think girls naturally somehow cost more money than boys: i beg to differ.
boys' tea: $59 girls' target: $11.99

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

you would...

eat this, wouldn't you?
chicken nuggets, vegetarian corn dogs, dollop of vanilla yogurt?
what's not to love?
you would eat this, wouldn't you?
or if you are R, you might just suck the delicious vanilla yogurt off of previously mentioned meat and non-meat products, using them only for utensil purposes.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

rock-a-bye bye

yeah. that sweet rock-a-bye lullaby? it's really saying rock-a-bye bye to the sweet precious baby near sleep, tucked into a cozy cradle, suspended from a tree before said cradle and said baby come crashing down. ahem. consider this my public service announcement. i'm down with the people. "people" being those of you who have always been a little more than slightly uncomfortable with singing about not just the cradle coming crashing down, but the baby as well. what kind of a lullaby is this? who puts their baby in a tree? is this babycradle crashing supposed to comfort a baby into a deep peaceful slumber? i think not. and i thought not. so i made up my own lyrics.

rock-a-bye baby
in the tree top
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock
when the moon rises
the sun will fall
good night to baby
good night to all

it's a science lesson and a good moral all in one. moon rising. sun falling. el sol y la luna. the sun is the only thing that's falling here. and it's safe. it knows what it's doing. no baby crashing. and it sends a good sleeping message. good. night. we're all going to sleep now. including baby. but especially including me. everyone wins.
you. are. welcome.

*no babies (or cradles) were harmed in the singing of this lullaby