Wednesday, July 29, 2009

update on scratchy satan

apparently satan is a coward. this may not come as a surprise to some of you, as i recall a lesson or two in my private school education stating this fact. but the toddler-sized, scratching satan from gymnastics was a no-show this week. i know you've been waiting to hear. the day after scratchfest 2009, i was going to visit the nordie's sale and blabbing to a friend about said scratchfest because clearly this has affected me more than anyone who, i don't know, was actually scratched, when who should appear? i know. satan is tricky that way. right there. in the nordstrom. being carried by her father. because let's face it. it's not safe to let that kid loose. i almost went into post traumatic stress attack. but i pulled it together. so apparently they still let her out in public. who knows if she has returned to the scene of the crime since the incident. who knows if her ass got kicked out. and that's why she has to hang out at the mall. who knows. but this i know. today at school, R and C were referred to by their teacher as "heavenly." good prevails over evil. take that.

Friday, July 17, 2009

turn the other cheek?

dear mother whom i don't know who was with your child in the waiting area of gymnastics before our class began,

remember when R and C and i walked into the small waiting area at gymnastics, before our class began?

remember when you asked "are they twins?" and i said "yes" and you said "oh, they're beautiful."?

remember when your satan daughter proceeded to shred my "beautiful" son's "beautiful" face for no reason whatsoever, treating it as though his "beautiful" face was a scratching post and someone had just declawed her back claws with no drugs and this was her last chance to scratch so damnit she was going to scratch and claw the beautifulness until it was shredded and begging for mercy?

hmm. well i remember. apparently in great detail. and you saying "sorry" while saying nothing to your 2-yr-old daughter, other than "use your words"...well, um, what words do you think she was trying to express through maniacal thrashing of another human being? "stop looking at my puzzle motherf*cker or i'll scratch your face off?" because if that was it. it still would have been better than a random act of violence. though he did cry. because he was injured. he was also confused. i have seriously never seen a child behave that way before. or a mother behave that way before. also, for your information, telling the other kids "everyone takes turns" on your way out the door, troubles me. a child should be able to, i don't know, look at something that another child is playing with, particularly when it is community property that belongs to no individual. hell, i don't care if he walked up to her and swiped the damn puzzle out of her hands and stomped on it gleefully (which he didn't). as long as he didn't bash it over her head, watching as puzzle pieces and chunks of hair and flesh plummeted to the ground. which is what i want to do to her now. and i guess technically you did warn me. remember when my son with the beautiful face walked over to your demon and you looked at me and said "she'll bite and scratch him" but as the word "bite" was coming out of your mouth, the rampage had already begun. it was like the time i took my sweet puppy to a dog park for the first time. and some dumbass with small boyparts, i might assume, brought his rot (not fixed, by the way) to co-mingle with the unsuspecting puppies who just naturally sniff things out. gus got mauled (but was fine).

so, i'm thinking...mother to mother. maybe the dog park, i mean gymnastics, is not the place for your toddler of terror. maybe anywhere where there is another human (maybe animals too) in a 2-mile radius is not the place for your monster.

but know this. i'm coming back next week. and i'm bringing my A game. i'll get hockey masks and mouth guards for the kids. i'll even get them shin guards, just in case. you won't be able to distract me with feeble compliments about my children's beauty or some half-assed warning about a potential and probable slaughter. oh no. i'll be ready. i'll be wearing a crucifix. and i'll lace the gymnastics' anti-bacterial gel dispenser with holy water.

prepared to do unto others

note to readers, other than satan's mommy: C is fine. it was the first outright attack i have witnessed. there was no blood (surprisingly). in addition to being hurt physically, his feelings were hurt. he was confused. he happens to be beautiful and sensitive (and smart too. and have i ever mentioned his natural athletic and artistic talents?). and resilient. full recovery.

this is how i remember her. but with horns. and fire.