tricks

isn't it too early for halloween pranks? aren't they too young for halloween pranks? my halloween is off to a rocky start. pooptastrophe. for real. maybe our worst one in almost two years. which means maybe our worst one ever. it's the kind of pooptastrophe which is only made worse by a resistance to being changed on the changing table. "because, like, i'm like two mom. i don't need a changing table." yes. but you still need a diaper. so don't get all i'm too big for this on me. you'll be too big for this when you're too big to wear diapers. and i'm pretty sure we'll have a big ceremonial changing pad bonfire. can't wait. but until that day. fine. i'll change you on the floor. whoa. didn't see that one coming. but i should have smelled it. except i think my nose has started selectively turning heinous scents off as a manner of self preservation. thank you, nose. pooptastrophe. made worse by changing on the floor. and then made worse by a not so innocent bystander bystanding way too close for comfortable to catch an up close glance at said pooptastrophe. only saving grace is that R is now at the point where when i say "R. bring mommy wipes. a lot. stat." she obliges. that's helpful. so we started with a pooptastrophe. trick number one. how fun would it be to apply our fun new halloween tattoos (temporary. what am i travis barker?)? it would be fun! they're like stickers. but better! because they won't come off. oh shit. they won't come off. so when two 23-month-olds keep saying "sticker. off. sticker. off. sticker. off." guess what? they don't come off. that's what makes them great! or horrible. whichever way you look at it. rookie mistake, mommy. trick number two. now off to a new story time (after washing machine loaded with trick number one). a new story time! at a new library! how exciting! how exciting? not exciting. no sitting. no listening. no fun. R actually climbed into her stroller to show me she was over it. and C kept saying "go." ok right. but wait, there's more. mommy selected this story time because there will be a guest appearance by, wait for it, elmo! just a quick walk to elmo. elmo is here! we hate elmo. we're a little bit like, why isn't elmo in my television? or in my book? why is elmo 9 feet tall and 463 pounds? he's a giant red shag carpet monster. other kids are hugging him. how bad could he be? R: "go. elmo all done." and we're off. apparently elmo in person bites. figuratively speaking. he didn't bite anyone. that i saw. trick number four. good God that's four tricks before 11 am. where is my damn treat? maybe they need a treat. it's halloween. stop. milk boxes. this one is plain milk thankyouverymuch. no pixie sticks. off to the car while enjoying your milk box. delicious milk box. delicious milk now spilled all over one small lap wearing orange pants and a stroller which will now smell like rotten eggs for all of eternity. what's halloween without a few thrown eggs? trick number five. someone is screwing with me. i'm home now. two loads of laundry in progress. five tricks already played on one played mommy. and no treats. i want my damn treats.

treats.