um, no

who knew there could be so many "no's?" i didn't. i was a kid who accepted the word no. or i watched my older sister get read the rights at which point i was totally ready to go with the "no." chicken. hey, save yourself. but what i am realizing now, as i hear myself speaking to two almost terrible two toddlers (actually they couldn't be farther from terrible) (most of the time), is that "no" has metamorphosed into the land of infinity. or the autumn mist. or narnia. wherever it is, it apparently does not mean no. no means no right? i saw the public service announcements. no. it doesn't mean no. apparently. here is how i know no does not mean no. (read that sentence again. i am now at the point where i don't think no is spelled correctly because i've written it too many times. and i am confused by words like know and now. this shall pass).

-no. works 1 out of 10 times.

-no, no. usually used after above failed no. works 1 out of 10 times.

-no way. usually used for destruction, ie. someone is throwing, not a soft plush ball my way, for example, but a wooden pottery barn shape sorter. because that should be thrown. at my face.

-no, absolutely not. i feel like this is reserved for occasions that R and C know are out of the question. but proceed anyway. like the dog's bowls. haven't we been over this at least 9,834 times? yes, i believe we have. that gets you an absolutely not. seriously. the dog has to eat. for the love of God.

-big no no. this is the non-negotiable. big deals. when R repeats it, it sounds like BEEnono. it's reserved for the self-diaper-removals and the biting (only one episode. that i know of). "alson. bite. fin.er. BEEnono."

guess what? no doesn't mean no.

it's like lloyd (dumb and dumber, circa 1994).

Lloyd: What are my chances?

Mary: Not good.

Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.

Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance.

have my kids seen this movie? no. or whatever the word is for they haven't seen this movie. since i now am questioning my own definition of no. no matter what i say, they still think there's a chance. i'm afraid if i got all whitney houston on them with the "hell to the no," then that will be on repeat for the next week. their teachers don't need to hear "hell to the no." (how funny would that be, though?). (seriously). (if it was someone else's kid). i think, instead, i'm going to start saying "no chance." adding that to my repertoire. "cookie" at 8 am when flax oatmeal with applesauce is on the table. "no chance." perhaps this will make it more clear. "up up up up up up" (in stereo) when i'm trying to cook dinner during the crazies. "no chance." it's a revolution. and my hope is that it will indeed sound like a whisper. (thank you if you just got that).

maybe what lloyd needed to hear was a little hell to the no.