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Sunday, February 3, 2008

postpartum

i have been doing some research. it appears that it is quite common for changes to occur with your hair during pregnancy and postpartum. during pregnancy: more hair. after pregnancy: hair falls out. this didn't happen to me. so why am i talking about it? it happened to my dog. my dog is a male. never pregnant. but i swear he must have sympathy pregnancy/postpartum hair issues. i hope you can understand what i am saying through my fancy medical jargon. here's the thing. i know he did not have this much hair before the babies got here. and definitely not before the babies began their self-propelled mobility across our floors. and he certainly didn't shed this much. ever. postpartum must be taking it's toll on the little guy. i mean ginormous (real word) guy. and don't feel bad for him. he doesn't have to clean it up. i have always liked to clean. seriously. i'm a cleaner. let's say i was a frequent cleaner. my frequent cleanliness is no match for my dog's postpartum hair. i can't keep up. i dust-mop daily and vacuum at least weekly. doesn't matter. my spouse suggested we give the kids dust-mop clothing so they can just shimmy across the floor as usual but actually clean in the process. i'm pretty sure there are child labor laws that won't allow it and anyway, the main purpose of cleaning the floors is to keep the hair off of the kids. my fav (not really) is when i have just vacuumed and/or dust-mopped and an enchanting little hair/dustbunny hops across the floor. right in front of my face. like it's flaunting it's dusty hairy badness. i've gone right to the source. gus gets "furminated" (this sounds like when perez hilton calls everyone who is pregnant "sperminated." i'm not sure if there are similarities but, again, gus has never been pregnant). the furminator is a shedding tool. kind of like comb meets razor. it allegedly removes the undercoat. i am starting to think that removal of the undercoat actually promotes more hair growth but what do i know? this is what i get for being a conspiracy-theorist. and if it's true then i am just enabling the furminator folks. i use the furminator weekly. and each time i do it there are at least two smaller fluffy animals that come out of my dog's coat. so i know i'm doing something. i have been considering shaving gus so he will look like a 68 pound poodle or even investing in laser hair removal. i mean, it doesn't even really get cold here. does he need all that hair? in case you're worried about gus, fret not. he doesn't have any other symptoms of postpartum. especially fatigue. definitely no fatigue.

4 comments:

Jenny said...

Wow. You might be brilliant. Is that a PhD requirement? Because my darling non-shedding cockapoo is dropping clumps of black hair all over the house. I repeat, non-shedding dog... now shedding. Hmmm. Had the vet check her out. Gave her some steroids and benadryl under the pretense of a skin condition. Did not help. Never thought to suggest post-partum. Now, she IS a female, but those parts are not in working order so it can't be that she is actually pregnant. Because that would also mean her neutered brother is the father, seeing as how he is the only male dog around her. And that is just wrong... seemingly impossible since they are both "fixed"... and DISGUSTING! Great. Now I will not sleep tonight. I should read your blog earlier in the day.

Jenny said...

Almost forgot... just read about the Furminator in Consumer Reports the other day. They say it's actually legit, so keep it up.

cat said...

Brilliant! Betty, just when I think you can't get any smarter....well, you do! We actually did shave Lucy, she looks like a pink pig. (skin is pink under the yellow hair) I think she sheds just to piss me off. The only time she hear's her name is when I am cussing at her...which is when I am sweaping & vacuuming for the 2nd time in 1 day. SERENITY NOW!!

bet said...

OMG cat. if i had a dime for every time i say SERENITY NOW! (i would have enough money to get gus some laser hair removal). ;)