(just made that up). i am delusional. which produces delusionness. what? webster's is on the phone for me? (tell them i'll call them back). i'm tired but i can't blame my kids. they sleep. for the most part, always been good sleepers. don't hate me because i'm beautiful. i mean lucky. we have not had a flawless history of sleeping but it is damn near close. and when there is waking, there is usually self-back-to-sleeping, and that is glorious. so i wake up at the drop of a baby hat. i hear their covers tousle at the slightest turn. it's annoying. not them. me. i'm annoying myself. but i can't help it. so anyway, i have had some interesting delusionness recently in the middle of the night. first night: i wake up to sweet C's cries at about 2:30 am. i know he will put himself back to sleep. but in my utter and complete delusionness (you're totally using this word aren't you?) i have told my sleepy brain that i should go in and get him because R will be up in a half hour anyway, when we start our day. so C and i can sneak a quick cuddle and then get R when she wakes up like the sunshine. fabulous delusional idea. i go in. i get him. he's surprised. shocked i think. i bring him back into my bed. now he's really shocked. i glance at my clock. R will be up soon. IF SOON IS IN FOUR (4) HOURS! oh no. it's 3 am. what was i thinking? C is not having the whole sleep in my bed thing anyway, probably because he cannot believe i've granted him access to the room where the computer lives and he must have it now. right now. ok buddy. back to your bed. delusional mommy. please forgive. God love him. he was back to sleep. and we all slept for a few more hours. of course, my spouse was quite confused. mainly because he knows that had he brought a child out of their sleepy slumber and into our bed in the middle of the night i would tell him he was screwing up our (my) whole system and ruining all of our lives. accident. it was a delusionnesstastic (pushing it now) accident. not nearly as bad as the delusional accident known as the "spilled breast milk incident of 2006." i was breastfeeding. i was pumping. for two i might remind you. i was tired. this requires a capital D, Delusional tired. pure delusionness (officially overdone, right?). there was a storage bag. a breastmilk storage bag which in my memory now, had 32 ounces of breastmilk in it. it was a big gulp of breastmilk. the kids were going to drink it with a straw. and ice. and diet coke. now i want one. ok i had spent at least 11 or 12 hours pumping it. i don't know. it was on the counter. i saw it going. i couldn't stop it. i wasn't fast enough because my postpartum reflexes were slightly on the slow side. [slow motion] nooooooooooooooo (try to imagine that sound from the bionic woman. you know the sound, right?). it spilled. every bit of it. all i could think was thank everything holy i did it. because if the big gulp breastmilk spilling was at the hands of my spouse or mother it would have been ugly. so fast forward 13 months. we are all fast asleep. the little sleepy angels have been asleep for at least 6 hours and God love them that's only halftime for them. i am in the height of delusionness at 3 am. i am wearing my retainer. ok. i wear a retainer. give me a break. i have had braces. i have a permanent retainer but my bottom teeth are as stubborn as i am and they're on the move, i am convinced. even with the permanent retainer. so every friday evening i sleep in my removable retainer in addition to the permanent retainer. i have mentioned my teeny tiny bit of OCD prior haven't i? well it's there. little bit. so i wake up. for real wake up at 6:30 am to the sound of munchkin babbles. hmm. i thought i wore my retainer last night. it was friday. hmm. look. look. look. look. can't find it. but i bet the dog will locate it in 9 seconds and then he'll be sick and i'll be the only over 30-year-old back at the orthodontist because my dog ate my retainer. anyway. i'll find it later. later happened at 2 pm. it's by the monitor. so, sherlock, this means i got my bootie up in the middle of the night and middle of my delusionness to carefully place my removable retainer on the dresser by the baby monitor. makes sense.
but wait. there's more.
why can i hear my kids at all times? like when they're not even here. they're with my spouse. at the grocery store. someone's crying. i hear it. someone's awake. it's not nap time. and they're not even home. someone's fussy in the car. i'm alone in the car (for once). this goes right along with my sleeping hallucinations that the kids are 1. in the bed with us and 2. falling off of said bed. they have never slept with us. our bed is high. i've read stories. babies being smushed by adults while sleeping. so, they were crib babies. but still. since the day they were born (ok, not in the hospital but i didn't actually sleep there) i have hallucinated them in the bed. in the beginning it happened every single day. and for my spouse too. which is funny to me. that we both were hallucinating. we would address the other when they were scampering around the bed to grasp the "baby." "honey, the babies are in their cribs. they're asleep. they're not in our bed." "oh, ok." i have to say we were both very cordial about the other's hallucinations. now it is just me. and it happens once a week or so. and now that the kids are mobile, i sometimes hallucinate them romping around in the room. or crawling off the bed. still no. still in their cribs. God love them. i worry enough about them when i am awake and coherent. even my sleeping subconscious worries? my new subconscious dellusionness is that R and C are casually roaming our room in the middle of the night. so i do the obvious. get up out of bed. close the closet and bathroom doors. because as long as they don't go in there, they're totally fine. chew on the ipod charger. frolick with the spinny computer chair. pull down all the lamps. that's cool. just don't go in the closet or bathroom. sometimes i look for them. i know you're in here! damnit i need sleep. and i have no one to blame but my self and my crazy!
why can i hear my kids at all times? like when they're not even here. they're with my spouse. at the grocery store. someone's crying. i hear it. someone's awake. it's not nap time. and they're not even home. someone's fussy in the car. i'm alone in the car (for once). this goes right along with my sleeping hallucinations that the kids are 1. in the bed with us and 2. falling off of said bed. they have never slept with us. our bed is high. i've read stories. babies being smushed by adults while sleeping. so, they were crib babies. but still. since the day they were born (ok, not in the hospital but i didn't actually sleep there) i have hallucinated them in the bed. in the beginning it happened every single day. and for my spouse too. which is funny to me. that we both were hallucinating. we would address the other when they were scampering around the bed to grasp the "baby." "honey, the babies are in their cribs. they're asleep. they're not in our bed." "oh, ok." i have to say we were both very cordial about the other's hallucinations. now it is just me. and it happens once a week or so. and now that the kids are mobile, i sometimes hallucinate them romping around in the room. or crawling off the bed. still no. still in their cribs. God love them. i worry enough about them when i am awake and coherent. even my sleeping subconscious worries? my new subconscious dellusionness is that R and C are casually roaming our room in the middle of the night. so i do the obvious. get up out of bed. close the closet and bathroom doors. because as long as they don't go in there, they're totally fine. chew on the ipod charger. frolick with the spinny computer chair. pull down all the lamps. that's cool. just don't go in the closet or bathroom. sometimes i look for them. i know you're in here! damnit i need sleep. and i have no one to blame but my self and my crazy!
p.s. i just want to add a shout-out to anyone who makes it all the way to the big gulp. this was a long freaking annoying post. thank you!
2 comments:
I have SO been there. I wake up several times a week and pat the bed furiously to see if there's a baby sleeping near me. (Because I occasionally bring one in with me if they wake up too early).
Since they've begun crawling, I also have dreams about them crawling down the steps.
And I ALSO have a permanant retainer behing my bottom teeth! :)
I have an opposite problem. Other people think my babies are crying Its the cat. Don't get a cat.
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