Wednesday, March 26, 2008

derby days

at this point in my life, how exactly do i explain a roller skating injury? no. i didn't take the kids roller skating. even worse. i went roller skating. even worse. on adult skate night. you would think going on adult skate night would be better than regular people (kids) skate nights. au contraire mon freir. the adults are worse. do you know what is even worse? worser than worse? the adults who are regulars on the adult skate night circuit. whoa. there's a whole subculture out there waiting for their reality television show moment. and it's scary. and i'm not just saying this because i'm bitter that i busted my ass twice during my adventure, eventually puncturing a lung and suffering from internal bleeding (just made that up). oh yeah, i totally bit it. i mean, i was a good skater back in the day. with rainbow laces. two ponytails. or one side ponytail. those days are over. goodbye gone. keep in mind i am not a clutzy person. i might even call myself athletic. i played every sport in high school. ok, not like high school was yesterday. but i held my own in the occasional post-college softball game, even. point being: it is really not like me to bust my ass. the "incident" occurred when my friend's skate collided into mine. the collision was following a solo ass bust by yours truly. i laughed. it was funny. i landed on my bootie. no harm. no foul. my biggest concern was my cell phone in my back pocket. didn't have to worry about that back in the day. (it was fine). and thank everything the cell phone was there, actually, because i don't exactly have "back." with the collision, though, there was pain. i'm not sure what happened. in my mind now there was tumbling. skates in air. screaming. adult skate night regulars rolling over me. i don't know. someone came over to see if we were okay. back in the day this would have been the most mortifying moment in "laces" (roller skating rink) history. on this day, i didn't really care. am i embarassed in front of the ponytail guy who comes here every tuesday night to practice his super cool moves to "no parking on the dancefloor?" no. and i'm most definitely "parked" anyway. i had chest pains. i'm thinking cracked rib. maybe broken. maybe punctured organs from the broken rib. maybe internal bleeding due to the broken rib and punctured organs and i'm going to die a slow and painful death in the roller rink. seriously, is this the way to go? how many ways to die are better than dying in a roller skating rink? on adult skate night. how many? 3,890? 522,930? 8,230,864? lots. lots and lots. so i recovered, still in pain. my friends and i depart only to find three police cars outside the skating venue. whoa. something is going down at adult skate night. they don't even serve alcohol. sober adult roller skating. what could require police attention? doesn't matter because i then spotted an ambulence arriving on the scene. obviously someone told them about my terrible ice capades tragedy and they came right to the scene. ok, they were here for someone else. but that didn't stop me from approaching an unassuming EMT for consultation. laugh if you want. but was i going to turn down medical consult for my aching ribs/organs internal bleeding? nosiree. i explained that i tumbled. it hurt. it particularly hurts when i breathe in. "then don't do that." hardy har har mr. EMT funny man. i kind of have to breathe. where did you go to school? breathing is essential. i explained my fall and symptoms. are you sure i didn't crack/break a rib? apparantly the rib cracking/breaking is fairly painful. like you can't walk kind of painful. i'm not that tough. he also said internal bleeding is not likely from a "floor fall." how did he know i was not skating on the banisters to "99 luftballons?" (yes. spelled right. by the way, now that i looked it up, this song is so not what i thought.*) maybe i should just take it as a compliment that i may not have looked like the skating on the railings adult skate night regular. he went on about the diaphragm. blah. blah. blah. so i'm fine. but it still hurts. damn diaphragm. damn adult skate night. it got me thinking though. how exactly do i explain a roller skating injury if, let's say, i wake up tomorrow and i can't move? i do have two toddlers to care for. does my spouse call in to work, has to stay home with the kids, wife immobile with a roller skating injury?

*this song is a cold-war era protest song. i thought it was about balloons. like a party maybe? no.

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