happy tuesday to me

every once in a while you get a little gift. a sweet surprise on an ordinary day. like when your spouse shows up with flowers and mini-beers (actually happened last week. lucky me.). did you know they make mini-beers? i love mini anything. and beer. seven delightful ounces of corona. with a little sliver of lime. what could be better? so, today's gift. let's call today's gift "my picky eating, vegetable hating (read: vegetable throwing) daughter willingly consumed superfood wait for it...raw radishes." and when i say "radishes" plural, i mean more than one. she ate two, maybe three. not whole. holy choking hazard. they were cut up. i did sneak them in with the cut up chicken nuggets. usually my sneaking is no match for her sleuthfullness (just made that up). she can bob and weave around my vegetables. but today. no. today was a mommy gift! no throwing! no food lobbed at my dog with the ever-iffy stomach! happy tuesday! once i saw her eating them i chopped furiously. got. to. get. more. in. while. i. can. ended up being about 2.5. don't worry. i'm not getting cocky. i know tomorrow radishes will be so 24 hours ago whatareyouthinkingyoustupidmommy! i'm planning on a radishtastrophe (obviously made up). so today i will just revel in my gift. we celebrated with grapes. everyone wins. ok radishes are not a "leafy green" vegetable. or chock full of healthful goodness broccoli or spinach. but hey. beggars can't be choosers. in case you didn't know, here's a little run-down of radishygoodness (obviously made up):
-great source of vitamin C
-rich in minerals like sulphur, iron, and iodine
-the vitamin C in radishes is an antioxidant and anti-inflammatory
-shown to have a positive effect on asthma symptoms
-potassium in radishes can help lower your risk of kidney stones and strokes
-can significantly lower your risk of multiple sclerosis
did i mention these were organic radishes? yay me. yay R. yay yay.
i would gladly give up mini-beers if my kids would eat veggies like this every day.

radishygoodness - mini-beer (pictured second from left) = fair trade

bargain hunting

i've always loved a good bargain. having kids has made me appreciate it even more. i found the best way to bargain hunt. shoplift. that's right. the first time it happened i laughed. i thought, "well it was bound to happen at some point." diaper pail deodorizer from bed bath and blah blah. i can't use a cart. so i have to stash items in the stroller basket. little diaper pail deodorizer didn't make it to the counter. don't worry. the nicole miller quilt did. i didn't discover said stolen deodorizer until the kids were already snapped in to their carseats. i actually paused and contemplated going back in. but with a quick cost-benefit analysis...i stole it. it was like $3. not that i'm advocating stealing. or that stealing is okay if it is a small-ticket item. but i'm just saying. it wasn't the nicole miller quilt. then, the second time, was a t-shirt. C was my accomplice. ok he did it, actually, but who's pointing fingers here? i gave him the shirt to "hold." and he held it. right out of the babies r' monopoly. this time i discovered it after only one kid was already snapped in to her carseat, R. C was chilling in the stroller with the hot merchandise. playing it cool to not look suspicious. blast. i'm not going back in. damn shirt. i'll tell them i (we) stole it next time i go in. third time. seriously. now i am a habitual offender. no more "i've never done that before" excuse. batteries. now i've hit the mother load. $10 worth of batteries smuggled into the depths of the stroller basket. you know target is so crazy now they'll probably scan me the next time i go in and know i stole the batteries. i've decided (read: justified) that if i unknowingly steal merchandise then it is not wrong. but i know it's still wrong. and i know i could get our booties back in the store once i discover my "score." the crazimania (just made that up) of getting all three of us and our packages (of paid-for-merchandise) out to the car is sometimes an accomplishment in and of itself. now i have to add "check the stroller baskets - again" to my getting out of the store alive list. blast. i didn't even steal a pack of gum back in the day. doesn't everyone at least steal a pack of gum at some point in their childhood? not me. and look what i've become.

it's not like i stole this.

response requested

i need help. quick check-in. i have an issue. we are planning a trip so i started strategizing ways to set us up for success when we are trying to go to sleep in a foreign land in foreign beds with foreign everything and when i say "we" of course i mean C and R because i'm pretty sure i will be getting even less sleep than i do now. because i think i am the smartest mom of all time, i realized, hey, they love their blankets lately. they cuddle with them before bed. they go to their cribs to request the blankets once in jammies. we're obviously taking those blankets with us. on the plane. in the car. everywhere. uh oh. better get some backups. just in case. whoa smartie! good troubleshooting! love the proactivity! points!
points deducted for not thinking of this earlier. like when they were born maybe. blankets discontinued. of course. oh i'll just check the ebay. love the ebay. they always have little nuggets like this. hate the ebay! hate it! hate it more than dora the explorer! why? because discontinued $20 baby blankets pull in a cool 70 bucks on ebay. ebay bastards. that's so evil. you know the babies need their blankies. you're totally taking advantage. i'm like. no way. on principal alone, i'm not shelling out $140 on blankets that i know cost 40 bucks. can't do it. or can i? will i have a moment or two or four when said blankets are goodbye gone for whatever reason and i am cursing, thinking i would pay at least $750 for those damn blankets if only i had them and then the kids would have them and then none of us would be up and awake and unhappy at 4 am because damnit everyone would be in blanket blissful sleepiness!? i don't know. i'm just imagining. hypothesizing. in my logical non-emergency status brain i'm like, we lose the blankets, we get new ones. no biggie. big dif. the kids get new blankets. softer and better. score! new blankets! how cool is that? let's celebrate! let's celebrate with a 13 hour stretch of uninterrupted slumber, we love the blankets so freaking much! that's not going to happen, is it?
so do i get the blankets or what? same blankets marked up 7000 percent from some greedy ebay troller? or fraudulant replacement blankets for just in case? or nothing and they sleep with tissue paper if the blankets go missing? (the do love tissue paper) or do we laminate the current blankets to preserve them? my spouse's idea is that if one blanket is lost we simply cut the other one in half. i think that is a story from the Bible. like you cut the blanket in half and everyone loses. or maybe it was a baby. cut the baby in half? i don't know. help. i need help. what say you?

highway robbery.
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dora the exwhorer

that's just wrong. isn't it? offsides. i crossed the line here. i know it's wrong. and i did it anyway. which makes it way more wrong. i apologize. but it's not like R and C check the blog. i'm sorry. but i'm not taking it back. i kind of hate her right now. that dora. and it's my own fault. it's my fault i introduced a dora the explorer (actual name) cd to my kids' music aresenal. and when i say arsenal. i mean arsenal of one. one cd. over and over and over and over and over. so over and over that i know every word. and not just the words. the beats. the pauses. the music. the music in the background carefully added in post-production after dora laid down the vocals. i've got it all. i introduced the cd back in the days when the babies could have cared less. stupid. stupid! they actually enjoyed the car. slept. pacified. laid. whathaveyou. it was fine for them. and they were fine with my smiths and cure cd's so why i felt compelled to bust out the dora for 6-month-olds, i have no idea. and i am regretting it. big time. now it's the only music that really makes them happy. and when i say that, i really mean it's the only music that makes them not hate my guts. so i should like dora. we should be friends. she's like a mommy's helper in the car of turmoil. so why do i hate her? besides her superannoying voice and the superannoying voice singing the same freaking words over and over and over (surely you get this right?), the words are not at all comforting. to a child or to me, for example. the dora cd we have is the "animal jams" cd. maybe you're familiar. and if you're not, don't be curious. don't get it. you'll regret it. you'll think it sounds cute...dora doing little ditties of yesteryear like "the lion sleeps tonight." you'll think "that is so better than the pussycat dolls. miley ray cyrus. fall out boy and john mayer at the same time" (horrible). but you know what? dora is not better. there are some messed up songs on there. songs that make me think we're starting therapy next year to counteract them because let's face it. they've already heard each song 9,284,356 times. at least. it's in there. it's in the noggin in a way that cannot be undone. so here are the songs that i think are the most damaging: 1. i'll call it the "bird" song. starts out with dora saying "here's a little song about a baby bird and his mommy" aw. how sweet. do you know what is not sweet? when the baby bird wakes up from a restful slumber only to find his mommy gone. mommy left. mommy bird had enough. she hightailed it (pun intended) out of the nest. fast. she was so out of there. and not only did she leave. she went "far far away." "where's your mama gone? little baby don? where's your mama gone? far, far away. last night i heard my mama singing a song. i woke up this morning and my mama was gone." sadness! abandonment anyone? the "chirpy cheep chirpy chirpy cheep cheep" is freaking catchy. i'll give it to them. but let it not distract us from the dead beat mommy who cruised out of town while her baby was sleeping. wah. 2. i'll call it the "piranha" song. the song is about piranhas. there are a lot of animals out there. lots. i, myself, just learned there in an animal called a hoopoe. turns out, it's not a tragic misspelling of hippo. good to know. point is: there are a lot of animals. did they have to pick the piranha? i knew piranhas were bad. but i looked it up. they're not just bad. they're "adults have been known to eat their own babies" bad. they eat things while they're still alive. apparantly it's safer to swim with sharks than a pack of piranhas. good idea to sing a kids song about playing with piranhas? um no. not like my kids will likely come across a piranha and be like "remember when dora said piranhas are so much fun? jump in!" but still. "we're gonna have fun with the piranha. they're always full of energy. have fun with the piranha so scream if you wanna join in." yeah. you'll be screaming. turns out there are some piranha that are not as bad as the rest. but dora's hard core. she sings about playing with the most deadly of all piranha, the red-belly piranha, pygocentrus nattereri, in case you were wondering (obviously had to look that up). "little bitty fish with a colorful belly." i mean if you're going to encourage kids to hang out and "have fun" with killer fish, might as well make it the most ruthless of the cannibalistic fish.
enough with the abandoned baby birds and flesh-eating fish. i need something a little more pleasant. i don't want to cry or puke in my car. my babies don't even do that anymore (mostly).

i'd rather hang out with a piranha than a dora

happy mother's day from vegas

woo hoo! um, i'm going to vegas for mother's day? am i britney spears or what? let me explain. i'm not going to vegas for mother's day. my spouse is going to vegas for mother's day. well, not for mother's day but the weekend he is going happens to include mother's day. now before you get all "you need to get to marriage counseling stat" on me, we chose the date together. it just seemed like a good weekend. and we can celebrate my day another day. doesn't have to be on the day. i mean, C and R weren't planning to get up early and make me breakfast in bed, eggs florentine with coffee and mini croissants (all food is better to me if it is mini) with strawberry butter (but i'm psyched for the day they do). they didn't have their little hearts set on unveiling their finger painting masterpiece, made especially for mom. by the way, when would they finger paint exactly? i'm not ready for painting with the hands. my house isn't ready for painting with the hands. i already made the "washable" crayons mistake. don't do it. it sounds like a good idea. "go nuts! color your little hearts out! color everything! it washes out!" do you know the problem? what do you think happens to a washable crayon when it gets wet? i ask this question to you because i should have asked this question to myself prior to unleashing said washable crayons. here is the answer: when a washable crayon gets wet (ie. wet from saliva, ie. saliva from someone's mouth) it's a big freaking mess. it's crayon everywhere. crayonstravaganza (just made that up). and even though you can wash all of the crayoned (real word) surfaces. you don't want to. and the surfaces also include faces and teeth and hair and sometimes even babies' faces and teeth and hair. ok, back to me and my day. other than sleeping in, i have no mother's day needs. and i'm pretty sure we can arrange for sleeping in on another day. and we will, believe me. last year we went to brunch and it was a pretty normal day (one of the last photos of me holding them both at the same time. def not happening this year. hard enough to push them in the double jogger). a friend asked what i was doing on mother's day last year and i was like, duh. i'm hanging out with my kids. he said "that's so 1950's of you." what am i supposed to do on mother's day? not hang out with my kids? that seems like the antithesis of mother's day to me. i guess the sleeping in technically means i am not hanging out with my kids. but it's not like i'm going to a spa. going to spa, while delightful, seems inappropriate on mother's day. so instead of not hanging out with my kids on mother's day, i'm going the polar opposite. i'm hanging out with them for 96 hours straight. i like extremes. by the end of mother's day they will be sick of me. they might wonder why there is even a mother's day in the first place. all of a sudden i feel like they're 15. they're bummed they have to spend mother's day weekend alone with me. so not cool. they want to go to the beach with their friends' families and celebrate their friends' mothers. they want to go to vegas with their dad and leave me home alone on mother's day. now i'm starting to rethink all of this. i knew i shouldn't have dressed them in those "vegas baby" onesies.

bad idea

worse idea

cop a squat

i'm so proud. i'm sure my parental proud moments will be a-plenty. but i definitely had one. i mean i've had several so far but this one is a winner. like with many great achievements, at first i was in disbelief. i hate when people bury the lead, although i do it often, so here it is: R copped a squat. that's right. dropped trou (did you know that saying "dropped trou" is short for "dropped trousers?" aside.). so she dropped trou. that's my girl. and peed. on the floor. now i know she seems to take after me in many ways and i don't want to act like i, myself, have never copped a squat, but it's not exactly a frequent activity of mine. i have done it though. and not just in honorable times like on the way home from an alternative spring break community service trip due to 20 non-stop hours in a van. there are some unhonorable mentions in there too. none within the last five years. oops, there was that one. none within the last three years. for sure. so, we sometimes let the kids free-range roam (and not like in a nicer to chickens before we kill them even though we still kill them at least they led better lives kind of way). whoever gets the first bath of the evening typically gets a free-range roam around their room. they get to pick out their pajamas. they get to watch me pick up toys. they get air on their naked bootie to prevent any rashings, etc. it's a good time. the other night was R's free-range roam time. truth be told, they're not that interested in what pajamas they get to wear on any particular evening. so i went ahead and made an executive decision on the jammies. p.s. this is the extent of my executive decisions nowadays. i used to make very important, fiscally impactful, life or death (not really) executive decisions. now. i pick out pajamas. anyway, back to R. as i was perusing the pajamas (hey, i take my executive decisions very seriously. they have to wear that outfit for 14 hours), i noticed my ladylike ladybug, R, cop a squat. the trou dropped. i thought "that's a funny way to sit" and by sit i meant squat. then it happened. she peed. while copping said squat, she peed. like she was in an ally at 2:15 am outside a bar with nowhere else to pee and she was desperate. she had like 17 glasses of wine. damnit she had to go. now! wait. sorry. flashing back. unlike a person who would do such a thing as i just described (but i have no idea who would do something so dreadful) R was careful. didn't get any pee on her little feet even. there was a lot of pee too. but i couldn't interrupt her. i didn't want the pee to travel. in a quick cost-benefit analysis, there was going to be pee on the floor. i would prefer it stay in one little area, rather than trickled throughout because i interrupted her. you pee your little heart out, honey. i did address her, however. "are you peeing? are you going potty?" she looked at me. she continued. pee. pee. pee. i'm telling you. it was a long pee. we could have had a whole conversation. if she spoke real words. so the peeing is over. i scooped her up and headed to the changing table. grinning. i asked her the questions again. "did you go potty?" "did you go pee pee?" (seriously, where did i learn to speak like this? is there some mommy-lingo serum that they slip into your IV when you're in labor?) and then she spoke. "pee-pee." she speaks my mommy-lingo. it was kind of more like "peeeee-peeeee." is it weird to be proud of this moment? she copped a squat and peed and i firmly believe she processed the whole thing. more importantly, is this a positive sign for my future potty-training days? she already knows what she's doing? OR is this a tragically terrible sign for my future R is outside the bar at 2:15 am and really has to pee days? only time will tell.