dora the exwhorer

that's just wrong. isn't it? offsides. i crossed the line here. i know it's wrong. and i did it anyway. which makes it way more wrong. i apologize. but it's not like R and C check the blog. i'm sorry. but i'm not taking it back. i kind of hate her right now. that dora. and it's my own fault. it's my fault i introduced a dora the explorer (actual name) cd to my kids' music aresenal. and when i say arsenal. i mean arsenal of one. one cd. over and over and over and over and over. so over and over that i know every word. and not just the words. the beats. the pauses. the music. the music in the background carefully added in post-production after dora laid down the vocals. i've got it all. i introduced the cd back in the days when the babies could have cared less. stupid. stupid! they actually enjoyed the car. slept. pacified. laid. whathaveyou. it was fine for them. and they were fine with my smiths and cure cd's so why i felt compelled to bust out the dora for 6-month-olds, i have no idea. and i am regretting it. big time. now it's the only music that really makes them happy. and when i say that, i really mean it's the only music that makes them not hate my guts. so i should like dora. we should be friends. she's like a mommy's helper in the car of turmoil. so why do i hate her? besides her superannoying voice and the superannoying voice singing the same freaking words over and over and over (surely you get this right?), the words are not at all comforting. to a child or to me, for example. the dora cd we have is the "animal jams" cd. maybe you're familiar. and if you're not, don't be curious. don't get it. you'll regret it. you'll think it sounds cute...dora doing little ditties of yesteryear like "the lion sleeps tonight." you'll think "that is so better than the pussycat dolls. miley ray cyrus. fall out boy and john mayer at the same time" (horrible). but you know what? dora is not better. there are some messed up songs on there. songs that make me think we're starting therapy next year to counteract them because let's face it. they've already heard each song 9,284,356 times. at least. it's in there. it's in the noggin in a way that cannot be undone. so here are the songs that i think are the most damaging: 1. i'll call it the "bird" song. starts out with dora saying "here's a little song about a baby bird and his mommy" aw. how sweet. do you know what is not sweet? when the baby bird wakes up from a restful slumber only to find his mommy gone. mommy left. mommy bird had enough. she hightailed it (pun intended) out of the nest. fast. she was so out of there. and not only did she leave. she went "far far away." "where's your mama gone? little baby don? where's your mama gone? far, far away. last night i heard my mama singing a song. i woke up this morning and my mama was gone." sadness! abandonment anyone? the "chirpy cheep chirpy chirpy cheep cheep" is freaking catchy. i'll give it to them. but let it not distract us from the dead beat mommy who cruised out of town while her baby was sleeping. wah. 2. i'll call it the "piranha" song. the song is about piranhas. there are a lot of animals out there. lots. i, myself, just learned there in an animal called a hoopoe. turns out, it's not a tragic misspelling of hippo. good to know. point is: there are a lot of animals. did they have to pick the piranha? i knew piranhas were bad. but i looked it up. they're not just bad. they're "adults have been known to eat their own babies" bad. they eat things while they're still alive. apparantly it's safer to swim with sharks than a pack of piranhas. good idea to sing a kids song about playing with piranhas? um no. not like my kids will likely come across a piranha and be like "remember when dora said piranhas are so much fun? jump in!" but still. "we're gonna have fun with the piranha. they're always full of energy. have fun with the piranha so scream if you wanna join in." yeah. you'll be screaming. turns out there are some piranha that are not as bad as the rest. but dora's hard core. she sings about playing with the most deadly of all piranha, the red-belly piranha, pygocentrus nattereri, in case you were wondering (obviously had to look that up). "little bitty fish with a colorful belly." i mean if you're going to encourage kids to hang out and "have fun" with killer fish, might as well make it the most ruthless of the cannibalistic fish.
enough with the abandoned baby birds and flesh-eating fish. i need something a little more pleasant. i don't want to cry or puke in my car. my babies don't even do that anymore (mostly).

i'd rather hang out with a piranha than a dora