Monday, September 15, 2008

i heart you, fall

but it's like an unrequited love. or like my celebrity crush on lenny kravitz. for i will never have you, lenny, i mean fall. i mean both. neither. neither lenny nor fall. where i live we only have one season: hot. it goes from hot to slightly less hot and back to hot then right on over to Godforsaken pits of hell hot. we're wrapping up the hell hot now. or are we? that's what we tell ourselves. it's september. it will be cooler. will not! it's not cooler! it's only slightlylessGodforsakenpitsofhell hot. we just tell ourselves "fall" will be better to get us through the place where grendel lives (i once made a diorama. not diarrhea. of grendel from beowulf. it. was. awesome.). ok right. why do i love the illusion of fall so much? other than a delusional fantasy of some level of coolness. my birthday. yes, still exciting. even though i am only slightly upstaged nowadays by two beautiful creatures who landed here two days after my day. speaking of the delights. oh yes. that's something to look forward to. way forward. celebrate good times come on (hmm. not the first time i've used that i'm afraid). the idea of fall makes me want to cook butternut squash. eat gingerbread pancakes. eat candy corn even though i don't like it. i always think i like it. but i don't. make s'mores over an open flame. random question: does apple-bobbing, bobbing for apples, still occur? what a heinous and germ-ridden activity. i once wanted to bob for apples. i was in 2nd grade. my mom said no. when she wasn't looking i did it. know what? it was icky. can you think of anything worse, during flu season especially, than opening your mouth and oozing saliva into an open bucket of water and other peoples' oozed saliva and apples? gross. which reminds me. let us not forget halloween. picking costumes for the little pumpkins. oh the pumpkins! pumpkins are good. even if your pumpkin melts (literally) if you leave it out for one. freaking. night. with. no. candle. whew. i sound whiny. and i really do love the fake fall. and here's why: i've already talked about the back to school loves. and i. cannot. wait. to put R in some leg warmers. though that is def more winter (two maybe three days).

let me boil down my love of fake fall, some based on reality, some illusion and delusionness (made up).

i have an unrealistic love of coats. love them. i can wear them for maybe ten days a year. and two of those days i will be sweating. oh the CPW (cost per wear) on the coats. it hurts. but i can't resist. are you looking at these coats? dreamy. apparently i'm in a ruffle phase.

boots. also unrealistic love. though i'll squeeze out more wears on boots than on coats.

those bastards at pottery barn make me want to host a seven course meal with delightful pumpkin-colored chairs (do you have to get new chairs per season?) and cloth napkins and beautiful flowers and candles and apple name cards and wait. what exactly would R and C do at this table? and when i say "at" i mean "to." what would R and C do to this table? let's move on.

i want a cold cloudy morning with nothing to do but hunker down and snuggle into my cold cloudy bed. open the windows to get that cold air smell. i will only pop out to eat tomato soup and grilled cheese and later drink hot chocolate (the real stuff). um can you believe the peace in this picture? i see cold cloudy peace.

the prospect of fall also makes me feel compelled to decorate with images like this one. paintings. pillows. dishtowels. i do have a strange fascination with trees. preferably bare trees. someone psychoanalyze me. and don't say my tree doesn't bare fruit. au contraire mon frere. two fruities would beg to differ. thankyouverymuch.

i'm ready for dark nail polish. it just seems wrong in june. you know?

oh the quest to pull off jet black hair with pale skin. damn you angelina jolie.

so i will now vow to not dress my sweet sweeties in fleece halloween costumes with plastic masks and wool hats. no mittens on thanksgiving. no earmuffs on Christmas. no faking the funk.

i still heart you fake fall.


Austin Aunt said...

I heart fall too! I have always loved coats. One time when I was in Vienna, I found this fabulous coat in this little store. It was love at first sight, but since the coat cost almost as much as my plane ticket to Austria I had to pause. However, I spent every second thinking about that coat and then it came to me. I had not purchased a coat in 12 years since I had moved from Illinois to Texas and if I divided the cost of the coat by 12 and thought of it as purchasing a new coat each year the coat did not cost that much! That rationalization made total sense to me. I will definitely teach R this trick! I can't wait for those cold mornings when I can snuggle under my delightfully fun Markimekko duvet and then drink my morning protein shake in my new "fall leaves" mug from Crate and Barrel. I will admit when I saw the word "boil" in your posting, I immediately thought of boiled wool. Oh, I love boiled wool jackets except when you wear them to Mardi Gras and it rains. Then you smell like a wet sheep. Well, back to reality and getting ready for work tomorrow.

betty said...

austin aunt: HA! you are an expert on the cost per wear! if you ever need assistance with justifications, i'm your girl. i can justify any purchase!

iggee said...

I love fall too... minus the ragweed. I can do without that... All this cool weather and I can't open up the house and enjoy it. It's either: enjoy nice weather but don't breathe or close the house back up and breathe... i guess breathing wins.. It's a shame!

Smooch said...

I love fall too. For my wedding (Oct 23rd) I had this whole fallish theme including pumpkin luminaries lining the way to the reception. I carved too soon. They rotted. Did it again, and some sort of survived. My wedding day was in the 80s.

Last year I bought one of those wax candle pumpkins on my lunch break. Melted in my effing car.