Wednesday, May 7, 2008


in honor of mother's day, a little reflection. i've done everything wrong. seriously. every single freaking day i add one more travesty to my list of "wrong things i have done that have/will scarred/scar/damage/harm my children in some way." i can't keep up. here's my list of horrifyingly horrible sins i've committed at the expense of my sweet angels. feel free to tell me if i've missed some. i know there are more out there and i've come to terms with my incompetence...
1) heated oatmeal in plastic containers. that's right, people. i used plastic bowls. and i heated them. in the microwave. plastics are the new lead. i'll get to lead later. plastics, the one time new and fabulous modern convenience are killing our children. ok, killing is going too far. but they're doing bad things. they're making them all left-handed (not that there's anything wrong with that). ok, i don't know what precisely plastics are doing but it's bad. very bad. so i heated oatmeal in these plastic baby bowls everyday for at least six months. sometimes it was grits. or rice cereal. and fruit. i forgot the fruit. but it's not the contents that are the problem. it's the plastic bowl. damn plastic.
2) i sometimes ran hot water out of the tap into a pot before boiling said hot water for formula usage. oh no. come to find out when you run hot water out of the tap, the water has more lead content. bad. did i mentioned i boiled the water every single time i made formula for bottles? doesn't that count for something? no. because i also used a metal pot to boil the hot leadilicous (just made that up) water in. is there even another option besides a metal pot? obviously can't use a plastic pot (see #1). glass pots? never seen it. it's stressing me out. let's move on.
3) i have used baby wipes on booties. and sometimes they even had slight rashes. no! say it ain't so! wipes?! apparantly the absolute worse thing you can put on your baby's bootie, rash or no rash, is a baby wipe. it's worse than sandpaper. worse than everclear (grain alcohol for you amateurs. or those of you trying to forget your "hunch punch" days). i don't know what's in it. but it's bad. it's not leadilicious (made up) bad but it's bad.
4) speaking of grain alcohol, i have used antibacterial hand gel on my children's hands. apparantly kids are getting alcohol poisoning from some antibacterial hand gel. from what i can tell, they have never had alcohol poisoning. i mean, they did start out walking "a little too much tequila in cancun-ish" but it definitely was not enough to make them pass out. they never really pass out, per se. trust me. is alcohol better than germs? are germs less bad than alcohol? cost-benefit analysis, please.
5) my kids have toys that were made in china. i don't know what else to say. like 98% of the toys i have found are made in china. allegedly there is lead there. too much lead. and it goes into the toys.
6) my kids once ate lentil soup that came from a can. i know. i might as well have given them lentil soup from a toilet, the way people are going on about canned goods. hello, it was organic toilet lentil soup. any better?
7) since birth we have bathed our children with soap (baby soap) that comes to us in a plastic container. that damn plastic again. not only can they ingest this tragic plastic chemical via plastic bowls, particularly when heated, but the blasted chemical goes into their little blood streams via soap stored in plastic. and let's consider the wrongness associated with soap made for babies. it's horrendous...parabens, phth something. fragrance made from lead (made that up). serenity now!
9) while we're on the topic of soap. i may have used dryer sheets in the dryer when drying their clothing. what was i thinking? i used "baby detergent." yet another wrong step. baby detergent: unsafe. bad. very bad. apparantly dryer sheets are made out of some flesh-eating bacteria chemical poison. oops.
10) i once gave them baby decongestant. they were stuffy. go back and read the "runny noses" post. are you going to argue with me? the baby decongestant was recalled because of overdose. here's what i don't get...are the babies overdosing themselves? because, maybe my 17-month-olds are "behind" but they can't shoot baby decongestant into their noses just yet. i have to do it. i've seen them put other things up their noses, like fingers, but no baby decongestant. so, i think i'm in charge of the distribution. how much. how often. you know. one drop per 24 hours appears to be reasonable. even if they wanted it every hour on the hour, that's what i'm here for right? likewise with the
11) bebe pod. these are great, no? 3-months-old and they're sitting! head control! sitting control! build those abs! you're never to young to start developing/strengthening your core! oh no. recalled. who puts their baby in a "seat" of any kind on an elevated location, like a table? who does that? i did irresponsibly place the bebes in the bebe pods on the carpeted floor. what was i thinking? i think i hear CPS. we're in trouble. i can't keep up with all this evil-doing. what's next? i wasn't supposed to swaddle? everyone swaddles. i want to be swaddled. it looks enjoyable. no music? music is bad? what is this, footloose?

happy mother's day


RowdyGirls said...

Gosh. The only thing worse would be if you let other kids drink out of their sippy cup and allowed them to watch tv. Oh. Whoops. Join me at the bottom of the mothering alphabet.

Smooch said...

are they sleeping in any non-flammable pjs? That's out too now.