Wednesday, May 28, 2008

shout out

i need to show some love for the diaper bag company that i referenced when i was so excited to pick up a new vice a la the diaper bag. turns out my fabulous croc bowler had some technical difficulties. and i was bummed. i have a hard time letting things go sometimes so i emailed someone via the website and grumbled (politely). turns out, they're replacing my bag with a different model (woo hoo) which shouldn't have the same issue. and i offered to send the old one back but they said no. just keep it. you know you can never have too many bags. you know i can never have too many bags. i'm kind of giddy about my new bag which is en route and they have been so helpful... A+ for customer service. and these days that's hard to find. good thing i didn't get the diaper bag at target. those bastards would need my left kidney in order to do an exchange and even then i'd need to exchange the bag and the kidney for something currently in stock in the store for equal or greater value (and pay the difference) and they would send out an all points bulletin and i'd land myself on a list somewhere so i could never ever make a return at any target nationwide. ever.
so here's the good company:
and here's my new bag:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

scaredy cat

um, when your kids are napping do you ever make yourself wait to go to the bathroom and flush the toilet until the air conditioning in your house kicks on so the air conditioner muffles the sound of the flushing toilet so as not to disturb the sleepage (just made that up)? i mean, I don't do that. i was just wondering. so, when your kids are playing with another qualified adult nearby do you ever sneak around doing whatever you are doing (reading the mail, making dinner, cleaning, bon bons [you know, the yoojzh]) so that your kids don't see you and freak out that you are separated (OHMYGODWHYAREWESEPARATEDHOWCOULDYOULEAVEUSYOUHORRIBLEMOMMY?!)?

me neither.
based on these two hypothetical scenarios, am i scared of my kids or what? am i afraid of them? my 23 pound offspring? what are they going to do to me? cry? scream? big whoop. i've heard a little crying and screaming in my day. and it's not like they could take me. if push came to shove, and sometimes it does (note: they push and shove me. and each other. and the dog. don't worry. i have neither pushed nor shoved either of them), i could take them. i was here before them. i created them. i wrote the book they're reading (ripping). why must i live in fear?

if you don't know me, this is exactly what i look like. but with crazier hair. and i'm not a cat.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

oh no she didn't

oh yes she did. i did. oh yes i did. i swore i wouldn't do it. but i did. it wasn't my fault. i had them first. i'm burying the lead here so wait for it. a while back remember when i proclaimed i would never dress my darling daughter and my darling self alike? well i'm in trouble. we had a fabulous grammi visit and fabulous grammi proclaimed the kiddles needed fabulous new shoes from the fabulous nordstrom. why is that place fabulous? because they have shoes. wall-to-wall shoes. R's favorite word du jour? shiz (obviously shoes). girl points them out everywhere. she can't get enough. she even finds the most valuable thing in her baby Bible to be Jesus' shiz. that's what she flips to. that's what she wants to see. forget the ark. forget the parting of the red sea. where are the shiz? take me to the shiz. that's what is God-like in her world at the moment. and i can't say i blame her. i do love my shiz. and if i passed that little (huge) love on to her so be it. at least she has a good mentor. which is what i'm getting to. s l o w l y. sorry. once freed from her claustrophobically inhibiting (her words, not mine) stroller, she zeroed right in on them. she went for the prize. the most pulchritudinous (real word) (not that i doubt your intelligence but it means beautiful. i don't know why she didn't just say "beautiful" but she had to bust out the "pulchritudinous" instead) shiz she had ever seen. and they were lookers. those were some wheels that warranted a tear. once she grabbed them there was no letting go. i asked the kind woman for her size and once those were on her feet. they were on. too big. too floppy. but on damnit. and she wasn't giving them up. i have to admit it was love at first sight for me too. i commended her knowing eye with a purchase. well technically it was a grammi purchase but whatev. we had to break the shiz from her grips and replace them with her shiz that were so 30 minutes ago. so sad. she took it well. her shiz of so 30 minutes ago were still metallic gold beauties that were nothing to scoff at. nothing like the new shiz. but still of note. we got home. i placed the new lovelies in the closet. and i thought. i really do like those shiz. like i really like them. what is it i like about them in particular? oh yeah. i have shiz (mine are shoes though) that bear a slight resemblance. oh. no. i did it. but i had them first! they're not exactly alike. hers are glittery. mine are not. mine are wedge heels. hers are not. thank God. on many levels. mine have laces. hers do not. but i'm pretty sure we can't wear them on the same day. and no way to wearing them with our black leggings. yes i have them. (shut up. please.) on the same day. i can't believe i fell into the trap. and she is only one point five years old. it's only going to get worse. you know i have photos. here's the damage. i mean splendor.

mommy shoes

toddler shoes

same shoes?
how bad is it? really?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

i miss rock of love

there, i said it. i'm not proud. it's not like i have oodles of time to fire up the old tube but when i get a fleeting moment in the two-hour-time span (15 minutes in actual, real, mommy post in and of itself forthcoming) between kids in bed and me in bed i like to check out my DVR greatest hits recorded and, well, i'm finding myself stopping on "the goodnight show" because i've heard that's a good one. or i know that's a good one. and it is a good one. for my one-year-olds. poor brain. poor poor mommy brain. i don't want to watch "the goodnight show." ever. let alone when not in my childrens' company. i want my "rock of love." i want my random acts of skankiness (not in the dictionary but surely i didn't just make this up. skunkiness and stinkiness just won't cut it). i mean, hello bret. it's already been over six fake months. let's move on. i know you had like at least seven seasons planned immediately after the first heart break [throat clearing]. we all know you didn't enter into any kind of relationship with ambRE. it's ambre with an r.e. in case you didn't catch that. you two just have some agreement to fake the funk so you can continue to promote what i think you're calling your "solo" album which is scary in and of itself. and she can promote her 45-year-old "host" bootie. ok she's not 45 but chica lied lied lied about her age so as not to damage her career as a "host." a "host" of some random local daytime spot which i'm sure wouldn't have the discretion to discriminate against a 37-year-old (real age), or a 32-year-old (fake age). whatever. so the point of all this is i'm ready to move on. surely bret michaels is ready to move on. let's get going. i know what you're thinking. i've tried other shows. i tried the bachelor brit. yawn. and don't tell me he proposed to a 22-year-old actress who believed she was on "one life to live" at every moment the camera was rolling on this show. why do people propose on that show? just let it be like "rock of love." that's what's really happening behind the scenes. they just want to be able to call it a "family" show. so they try to keep it "clean" though that is debatable. my kids aren't watching either. i'm trying to think which messages are worse. that's a dissertation waiting to happen. too bad mine is done already. snooze. i also tried the bravo go-to. i do love my bravo. and when all else fails there's got to be something salvageable on there. "the millionaire matchmaker?" that matchmaker will make anyone she's trying to set you up with look good. good strategy. points for ingenuity. points for chutzpah. not enough points though. delete. delete. delete. let's try "workout." that was good one season. last season. is it wrong to eat an ice cream sandwich while watching "workout?" it was skinny cow. mint. deelicious. spoiler alert: no, it's not wrong to eat an ice cream sandwich while watching "workout." know why? that's the only way you'll get through it. yawn. i don't know why i liked it last year. maybe the newness. i need my kathy griffin. i need my "project runway." and by God i need my "rock of love." and i'm not afraid to say it.

the only way i'm getting through tv with no rock of love.
p.s. it looks safe but they left out the 62% high fructose corn syrup. don't know why.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

do blueberry waffles count as a fruit?

or maybe i should ask: can blueberry waffles count as a fruit? i need to know. i mean, there are actual blueberries in there. i can see them. not just blue food coloring. give me some credit, i realize that strawberry pop tarts do not count as a fruit. but what about when you can see actual pieces of real bon.a.fide fruit? i do love strawberry pop tarts though. ok what about zucchini bread counting as a vegetable? (first ingredient: sugar) zucchini is on the list though. somewhere.
they look exactly like this. except without the blueberries.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


in honor of mother's day, a little reflection. i've done everything wrong. seriously. every single freaking day i add one more travesty to my list of "wrong things i have done that have/will scarred/scar/damage/harm my children in some way." i can't keep up. here's my list of horrifyingly horrible sins i've committed at the expense of my sweet angels. feel free to tell me if i've missed some. i know there are more out there and i've come to terms with my incompetence...
1) heated oatmeal in plastic containers. that's right, people. i used plastic bowls. and i heated them. in the microwave. plastics are the new lead. i'll get to lead later. plastics, the one time new and fabulous modern convenience are killing our children. ok, killing is going too far. but they're doing bad things. they're making them all left-handed (not that there's anything wrong with that). ok, i don't know what precisely plastics are doing but it's bad. very bad. so i heated oatmeal in these plastic baby bowls everyday for at least six months. sometimes it was grits. or rice cereal. and fruit. i forgot the fruit. but it's not the contents that are the problem. it's the plastic bowl. damn plastic.
2) i sometimes ran hot water out of the tap into a pot before boiling said hot water for formula usage. oh no. come to find out when you run hot water out of the tap, the water has more lead content. bad. did i mentioned i boiled the water every single time i made formula for bottles? doesn't that count for something? no. because i also used a metal pot to boil the hot leadilicous (just made that up) water in. is there even another option besides a metal pot? obviously can't use a plastic pot (see #1). glass pots? never seen it. it's stressing me out. let's move on.
3) i have used baby wipes on booties. and sometimes they even had slight rashes. no! say it ain't so! wipes?! apparantly the absolute worse thing you can put on your baby's bootie, rash or no rash, is a baby wipe. it's worse than sandpaper. worse than everclear (grain alcohol for you amateurs. or those of you trying to forget your "hunch punch" days). i don't know what's in it. but it's bad. it's not leadilicious (made up) bad but it's bad.
4) speaking of grain alcohol, i have used antibacterial hand gel on my children's hands. apparantly kids are getting alcohol poisoning from some antibacterial hand gel. from what i can tell, they have never had alcohol poisoning. i mean, they did start out walking "a little too much tequila in cancun-ish" but it definitely was not enough to make them pass out. they never really pass out, per se. trust me. is alcohol better than germs? are germs less bad than alcohol? cost-benefit analysis, please.
5) my kids have toys that were made in china. i don't know what else to say. like 98% of the toys i have found are made in china. allegedly there is lead there. too much lead. and it goes into the toys.
6) my kids once ate lentil soup that came from a can. i know. i might as well have given them lentil soup from a toilet, the way people are going on about canned goods. hello, it was organic toilet lentil soup. any better?
7) since birth we have bathed our children with soap (baby soap) that comes to us in a plastic container. that damn plastic again. not only can they ingest this tragic plastic chemical via plastic bowls, particularly when heated, but the blasted chemical goes into their little blood streams via soap stored in plastic. and let's consider the wrongness associated with soap made for babies. it's horrendous...parabens, phth something. fragrance made from lead (made that up). serenity now!
9) while we're on the topic of soap. i may have used dryer sheets in the dryer when drying their clothing. what was i thinking? i used "baby detergent." yet another wrong step. baby detergent: unsafe. bad. very bad. apparantly dryer sheets are made out of some flesh-eating bacteria chemical poison. oops.
10) i once gave them baby decongestant. they were stuffy. go back and read the "runny noses" post. are you going to argue with me? the baby decongestant was recalled because of overdose. here's what i don't get...are the babies overdosing themselves? because, maybe my 17-month-olds are "behind" but they can't shoot baby decongestant into their noses just yet. i have to do it. i've seen them put other things up their noses, like fingers, but no baby decongestant. so, i think i'm in charge of the distribution. how much. how often. you know. one drop per 24 hours appears to be reasonable. even if they wanted it every hour on the hour, that's what i'm here for right? likewise with the
11) bebe pod. these are great, no? 3-months-old and they're sitting! head control! sitting control! build those abs! you're never to young to start developing/strengthening your core! oh no. recalled. who puts their baby in a "seat" of any kind on an elevated location, like a table? who does that? i did irresponsibly place the bebes in the bebe pods on the carpeted floor. what was i thinking? i think i hear CPS. we're in trouble. i can't keep up with all this evil-doing. what's next? i wasn't supposed to swaddle? everyone swaddles. i want to be swaddled. it looks enjoyable. no music? music is bad? what is this, footloose?

happy mother's day

Thursday, May 1, 2008

a picture is worth a thousand words

i'm not talking about pictures of my kids though (come on, those are worth way more). this particular picture is the one i wish i could have taken today of the bebe saleswoman when i asked her if i could "just try on this shirt out here instead of in a fitting room." p.s. what the hell am i doing at the bebe? really? not sure. i briefly saw something that caught my eye between picking up a discarded sippy cup and throwing a floor-tainted cracker in the garbage, en route to purchase one coveted pottery barn vacuum to store in my aresenal for when my spouse retreats to vegas. i wasn't going to disrobe in the middle of the store, lady. i just can't freaking fit in your dressing room with these two, let's call them energetic, toddlers in a double-wide stroller whom, somehow, you must have overlooked. i just want to put the shirt over my current shirt (not that this is entirely feasible when 99% of your clothing is made of 99% spandex but whatever). i'm going to have to wear the bebe shirt over another shirt anyway (since 99% of your clothing reveals 99% of your business but whatever). no one is even in your blasted store, might i add. and did i mention the shirt was on sale? i must have been feeling adventurous. the bebe lady was not smiling. she was kind of huffing. yes, quite the picture. and then the next picture would be worth two thousand words. the picture of her face as i, not waiting for her answer to my question, proceeded to try on said shirt over my current shirt. it took like 4 seconds. here's the moral of the story. i know you've been waiting. my 99% spandex 65% off picture ended up being worth $23 (words). not too shabby.