Wednesday, December 2, 2009

barium is the new lead

so melissa and doug has become my go-to. when the lead paint freakout of 2008 started and every plastic everything started getting recalled, i went wooden. even though wood still gets painted. with paint with lead in it. bygones. plus i like the way wooden toys look. i came across a recall notice in canada for a melissa and doug toy we have. stackable train. i called the number. here is my best recollection of the conversation that followed.
let's call her "melissa."

melissa: melissa and doug greeting blahdity blah blah
me: hi. i'm calling about a recall notice on the stackable train.
melissa: oh. that is like a year old.
me: well my kids have been playing with it for the last year and i just found out about the recall.
melissa: what's the blahdity blah blah number.
me: number.
melissa: well your train was not in the bad batch. so it's fine.
me: well what was wrong with the other ones? something toxic in the paint?
melissa: barium. it's totally fine. they actually give it to people [me thinking: um yeah. if your going to get an xray. not if you're going to a playdate]. and your kid would have to eat 45 trains in order for it to be a problem.
me: ok. well that's a lot of trains to eat.
melissa: yeah. so i would say, you know, if you're kid is hungry, try a cookie.
me thinking: not a melissa and doug cookie. those will help you in an xray situation but otherwise will kill you.
me actually: nervous laugh.
end scene.

this is not normal. this is not a normal interaction. right? what do i do? ban melissa and doug toys from my home? they're kind of taking over the joint. what's worse? the barium paint or the customer snarkice?

p.s. customer snarkice is the new buzz phrase. feel free to use it but make sure you cite me.
bring your train!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

aw freak out

not fabulous. not fierce.
this is what freaked me out today.
i know. it's sweet. someone tucked him in. IN MY BED. unbeknownst to me.
freaked. me. out.
and in case you were singing...
aw, freak out
le freak, c'est chic
freak out
le freak, c'est chic
here i am, gonna stand my ground
nothin' in the world's gonna bring me down
hear me yell and hear me roar
i am somethin' that you can't ignore
i am here for all of us
i am fierce and we're all fabulous
freak out
so fabulous, so fierce
freak out
so beautiful, so freaky
freak out
so fabulous
so fabulous, so fierce
freak out
so beautiful, so freaky
freak out
le freak, c'est chic

Sunday, November 22, 2009

they stayed in their seats

in the movie theater for curious george.
will they stay in their seats in the theater for the nutcracker?
R: "can i wear my tutu?"
me: "yes, of course."
R: "and i can dance?"
me: "well, the ballet dancers will dance. and we will all watch."
R: "and i can dance?"
me: "um. they will be on stage. and we will be sitting in our seats. on our booties. watching them."
R: "and i can wear my tutu?"
me: "yes"
R: "and i can dance?"
me: "you can watch them dance, learn the moves, and then dance when we get home."
R: "but i already have moves."


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

three. is the magic number.

dear r,
today you are three. three years old! three! years! old! for the last three months you have been asking me pretty regularly "today is my birthday?" "it's my birthday today?" is your birthday! it's your birthday today! you love birthdays. and not just your own. sometimes it's your baby stella's birthday (recently renamed baby ivy). sometimes it's mommy's birthday. sometimes it's baby elmo's birthday. and there's always cake involved. and usually candles. this year i have fallen more in love with you, my baby. and you have fallen more in love with your babies. you have a lot of babies. you take such good care of them. and one of your favorite all time things are real live babies. which our friends have been gracious to share with you. and you are a very good mama. you push your dolls in the stroller. you take them to "the park." you rock them. you feed them. you change their diapers. you read books to them. you sing to them. repeat. you put them down for naps. you even put me down for a nap a time or two. you dress them too. but you also love to dress yourself. it started with dress up. shoes, tutus, hats, beads, singlasses. every accessory possible. and then you started really having opinions about your own clothes. so in the mornings you will tell me what color you want to wear. or what outfit you want to wear. sometimes you really have a strong opinion. of what you. must. wear. you really know what you want. and you really know how to get it. you make things happen. and then you tell everyone about it. in great detail. you had a way with words early on. people are often amazed by your vocabulary and how well you speak. what really amazes me is when you use words like "actually" and "in fact" in sentences. correctly. when you were about two and a half you almost knocked me over when you put your hand gently on my shoulder, looked into my eyes, and said "sweetie. it's ok." "well the thing is" is how you start many sentences. and you also thanked God for delivering your papa's birthday card. to florida. you are also very good at speaking spanish. and let me not forget the singing. oh the singing. i have never heard a more touching rendition of "this little light of mine" than yours. it brings joy to my heart and a smile to my face every time i hear you singing. and that's often. because not a day goes by that you don't burst into song. in fact, you kind of sing more than you talk. and shortly after your second birthday you busted out full choruses of songs. some of your favorites include indigo girls, stevie wonder, james taylor, and sha na na. sorry about that last one. your memory astounds me. you are still talking about the day at baby yoga when you were one and a half (exactly one and a half years ago) that a block fell on a baby and the baby got hurt. sometimes months will go by and we're on our normal errand to the grocery store, close to yoga, and you repeat the story. you really remember. especially people. you love to talk about people. names. kids. mommies. where they live. you could go on and on. but your favorite person is C. you always want to know what he is doing. where he is. sometimes you want to stand by his seat and feed him his food or give him his drink. or put on his shoes. you want to take care of him. the other day you and i went out to exchange one of your birthday gifts you received that you already had. you chose a cool new book. for C. you are a very good sister. plus you are lots of fun. you are a total firecracker. you can dance like nobody's business. and you have the best expressions. of. all. time. you are so animated. you have these beautiful daddy blue eyes. but i think you must actually have a light switch too because they can sparkle up a room. this year you got your first official haircut. you hair has gotten so long. it has the slightest most perfect amount of curl. you naturally look like you are wearing mascara and lipstick and have curled your hair but i promise i have not done any of those things. much to your disappointment. one day. sometimes you will walk over to me and crawl into my lap and say "i love you mama." and as i hold you, even though you're leggy and dangly now, it reminds me of when you were a teeny tiny 5 lbs making sweet baby cooooooo sounds. but this is better because now you say "i love you mama." and you can put your arms around me and hug me sooo tightly. and really who could ask for more than that? happy birthday. i love you.

dear c,
today you are three years old. and all those parents of the past who have said things like "I don't know where the time goes." or "it goes so fast." or "you blink and they're grown up." are now making sense to me. oh my gosh you are three years old. and let me tell you something. you are wise beyond your years, mister. you started putting words together early. two word sentences well before two years old. but this year. i could barely keep up with your vocab. of all the words you were able to fire back at me, including "predicament," the ones that i can most easily recall occurred back in february. i don't know if you were feeling the valentine's spirit of love. but as i rocked you in my arms one night, you said "love you so much." and i think i am still melting. you are one of the sweetest little people i have ever met. you melt my heart on a daily basis. the melting also occurs due to your astounding what color do i call them-stop you in your tracks amazing eyes. we call them hazel. but i think they are grey. blue. green. specks of brown. specks of yellow. i'm talking about the most amazing color i have ever seen. and your lashes flap. and if you smile really big i can see your dimple in your right cheek. melt. lately i have been staying in your room while you and R fall asleep. you look at me with your heavy eyelids and you smile. you smile yourself to sleep. i haven't been able to regularly watch you fall asleep since you were a baby so i am savoring this time. i get to sing you songs. lately you've been requesting "you've got a friend" known to you as "the seasons." people are immediately taken with your stronghold on the english language. but they're also taken by your sweetness and your manners. you don't let a good deed go unthanked. and are happy to have added appropriate use of "you're welcome" to your repertoire. you are willing to share everything. and i mean everything. with everyone. a true democrat. speaking of democrats, you somewhat frequently mention that obama lives in washington d.c. and "we would have to take an airplane to get there." back to sharing. this year during our potty training adventure, you and r got to celebrate success with mini-cupcakes. you even offered your beloved cupcake to R sometimes when you received one and she did not. that's love. this year you were pretty excited to get your own sandbox. speaking of love. you would play in the sand for hours on end. you love the stuff. so imagine your excitement (well, i'm sure you can. it's your excitement after all) when you stepped foot on a beach for the first time. a whole land of sand! what to do?! the sand love was followed by the movie love. in a movie theater. the woman sitting next to us cracked up at you cracking up at curious george. and i did too. you totally got it and you totally loved it. i think curious george really inspired you because you really figured out sometimes you can do things that make people laugh. and that. is. awesome. sometimes i don't think it's funny. and i tell you it's not funny. and you say "well it's funny to me." touche. you have never met a tool you didn't like. lately you have been making up games which you teach me. and also making up rhymes. you are so excited when you have something new and cool you have come up with. you use your hands to express your excitement "tofu and zabu is a rhyme!" you really get focused when you are doing something you enjoy like golf or art. focus. focus. you're intense. last month you picked up your paining to move paint around the paper making "paths" with the paint. it was awesome. and beautiful. you are so creative. you love your tools and sports and art and you also love your sister. this year you, though we don't call her this, added a Y on to the end of her name. and it is so darn cute. sometimes she will put on her tutu and start to dance and you will start a lovely rendition of "ballerina girl" by lionel richie. "ballerina girl, you are so lovely." what a lucky girl to have you as her brother. and what a lucky mommy to have you as my son. happy birthday. i love you.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

excuse me

for not blogging lately but i've been separating white smarties out of individual smarties packages. and let me tell you, in case you were wondering: there may or may not be even one freaking white smartie in each little pack. unroll unroll unroll. unroll unroll unroll. one white smartie. thank you very much. 73 packages later (which equals exactly 60 white cookie monster eye whites)...voila! this obsessive compulsive thing does pay off every now and then.
cookie decorating by approximately 15 in the under 3 crowd. booming success. of. course. we chased halloween with steady flow of sugar. cookies. sugar. cupcakes. and bright blue icing. but look how cute! hopefully my kids are not being ostracized as all their friends' parents demand break ups. i sent everyone home with cookie monster toothbrushes though! can you tell i was raised on italian catholic guilt?
why do i feel like they're looking at me?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

twit or tweet

i feel like more of a twitterer (tweeter?) than a blogger these days. because i think in single sentence structures. facebook status updates. rhetorical questions.

yesterday C barged into my room when i had just gotten out of the shower.
he said "whoa. those are big. they're all grown up!"

that is all.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

things i love right this second

kid art. washable paint on canvas. c. 2009.
does it ever get old? i think i'll love it forever.

ok. this is a women's shirt that i stitched up in the back and voila! perfect dress for perfect r. i tried to talk through it with the salesperson who so wasn't with me. but look! i love it! for her. not me.

um this one is a joke. i do not love this. but if i did want to freeze my children and have exact replicas that would last forever. well, here they are. bet they don't wake anyone up at 5 am for potty breaks (but some dolls do. weird).
speaking of freaky. i do not love rachel zoe the person. i love rachel zoe the cartoon character (and why is she so wrinkly everywhere but look at that forehead. someone snorts cocaine off of that forehead, it's so sleek [ie botoxed]). i also love rachel zoe as a second language. bananas. die. beyond. litrally. and my recent favorite "i would eat those shoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner." (don't pretend you know what eating is like, rachel zoe. hello.)
my kids' lunchboxes. i want to kiss them on their little mouths (slug, mouth with braces) everyday i make their lunches. they picked out the stickers to put on the front. one container. little compartments. all in the dishwasher at the end of a hard day. done and done. and you're welcome, environment. nothing disposable to pitch. hearts and rainbows. i feel like a care bear.
the. cutest. food. of. all. time. i mean, it should win an award. for the cutest food of all time. and it was delicious. afternoon tea at the encore (via a pool cabana. happiness.) in las vegas. look at those tiny delights! and they were tasty too. and not in a tiny way, either. scrumptious.
who doesn't love tim gunn? really. this photo must have captured one of his "conundrums." and what i really love right this second about him is when he recently told someone their garment had the potential to be a "hot mess."
we have his and hers nail polish in our household. and i love it.

Monday, October 5, 2009

but at least we already have halloween costumes

omg. i've been down and out. over and out. out and over. down for the count. broken down. broken. times are tough when you're kids are all of a sudden 13 overnight. no more baby swings. check. no more diapers. check. check. no more cribs. check. check. check. i should let them out of their highchairs too but hello when will i empty the dishwasher? i'm not ready to have free-range chickens. oh no. this crib to bed transition is all that i dreamt it would be. and more. in a very bad nightmare. and it's exactly what everyone i know who took twins from cribs to beds told me it would be. a nightmare. when i say nightmare, it implies slumber of some sort. au contraire mon frere. i haven't been sleeping. it's worse than when i was breastfeeding 3 week olds. well maybe not that bad but i'm living in the moment here and it feels bad. they have already come so far. they are still napping most of the time. hallelujah. but you just never know. and that's the hard part. coupled with the obvious hard part of waking up at 5 am. that's 5 am central time. or whatever time zone you're in. imagine 5 am. it's dark. it's nighttime in my book. no one needs to be awake. but they pop up at 5 am. turn on the light. it's a party. or they have to go potty. potty i can accommodate (and even find the positive and be grateful for that) but a party. i cannot accommodate. i will not accommodate! i go in. everyone back in beds. lights off. "but i can't see." oh really? there's a reason you can't see. because you don't have to see. you have to sleep. it's dark. for. a. reason. several reasons in fact.
so anyway. i'm tired. so tired that i cannot string together a complete thought process. even for a blog that 7 people read. i know you read it. thank you 7 readers! and i'm so sorry i've neglected you!
because i cannot string together meaningful anything right now (as though i ever have), i will leave you with this question (please i need all 7 of you to weigh in on this one):
if she loves loves this brand new halloween costume so so much on october 5, 2009 (wore it to eat two meals and getting it off for bedtime was a grand task), i ask you:
what are the chances she will still love love it so so much on october 31, 2009?

i'm getting a different one, aren't i?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

sometimes "shh" doesn't work. just fyi.

you know how there is always that one kid. running recklessly through the aisles at top speed. screeching (note: screeching, not screaming. screeching. there's a difference.), arms flailing. screeching peppered with bouts of gleeful laughter. today there were two of them. at. the. library. on a non-story time-so-normal-adult-people-are-here-so they can, you know, read-day. um, did you guess? and. they. were. mine. we might not be allowed back. and the hell to the no broke loose while i was checking out books. so i'm on record. they know what we did this summer. i utilized eloquent parenting tactics, such as time-out, once we got safely outside. ahem. "safely" because i finally caught the little buggers and stopped them from running directly under moving vehicular tires in the parking lot. really they were just going to run right to a moving car to see if they could fit their little bodies under there. i just know it. and seriously. who drives a hummer anymore? save the environment, people. drive a suburban. and why are you even at the library, mr. hummer (you know it's a dude)? buy the damn book. probably some bratty less than zero teenager that parked there so he didn't have to walk so far to the high school. which he was late for. because he is too cool (and too high. ahem.) to get to school on time. helloooooo digress. once time-out is over (why did i ever let them get off that bench once i had them sitting there? why? WHY?!) they immediately pick up right where they left off. running amok. A.M.O.K. effective. pull. grab. "james spader is about to run your asses over." they're not listening. but i'm listening. that sounds like...rain. it hasn't freaking rained in 4 months. but it's raining now. dear father in heaven let me get these kids safely to the car where it's dry and safe. so i can lock them into seats. click. click. click. aaaaaamen.

photo copyright my local library

Friday, August 21, 2009

mom of the year

i have had some moments when i have felt like mom of the year. toot toot goes my own horn. ok, well, at least mom of the moment. the moments when my children are happily consuming a dinner of salmon and brussel sprouts. the moments when my children say "thank you" and "please" to others, unprompted. but today. oh today. today at toddler yoga while other little toddler yogis gracefully placed one block under their little bodies to establish that perfect virasana pose, my little toddler cried because he needed more than one block to build his building (obvi). today at toddler yoga when the teacher asked the class what kind of music do you like? and one little toddler yogi said "merengue" and another little toddler yogi said "mozart," my little toddler shouted "dora!" and today at toddler yoga when the teacher asked what we should plant in our garden, one little toddler yogi said "carrots" and another little toddler yogi said "peas" and my little toddler shouted "cookies!" and today at toddler yoga, after receiving a parting gift of a single piece of chocolate, my little toddler dropped (accidentally, i'm almost positive) one single piece of chocolate into the toilet. and i flushed. thank shavasana it flushed. so today at toddler yoga my kids cried, shouted out curses like dora! and cookies! and sent chocolate into the toilet. mom of the year. at least the moment. i have failed to mention the moment that the teacher asked the little toddler yogis if anyone wanted to give anyone else a hug. my two. only ones to stand up, embraced. r said "that's my brother." so really, everything else i wrote about doesn't matter. but it still happened. but hello, i had my moment.

when you look up mom of the year, this is what you find. and it somehow makes me feel better. but i guess her kids are older. so i've still got time.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

fashion forward

ahhhh, it's a brisk 103 degrees as i type this, the wind camly blowing fresh, light 103 degree disgustingness. and yet, people tell us, fall is upon us. you know i love fall. fake fall. with the onset of fake fall comes the onset of shopping. i get the fever with the change of fake seasons. i can't help it. so the sales hit, the new fake fall season of clothes is here. so i thought i'd throw some eye-candy your way. you. are. welcome. here are some items i'm loving FOR MY TODDLER? um. no. FOR ME. but these precious pretties are, in fact, wait for it. for toddlers. i know. it's a sickness. i would totally wear these (even if i shouldn't wear these). I should get to wear these. (like i need more what department should i really be shopping in confusion). but no. they're toddler gear. allegedly. not my toddler's gear. because these items cost up to $5,493 per item. ok, only up to $180 per item but that seems like $5,493 per item to me due to the reeee-diculous factor. seriously. so if you see suri cruise toddling in one of these frocks, you can tell her you saw it here first.

OMG so last season, suri

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

update on scratchy satan

apparently satan is a coward. this may not come as a surprise to some of you, as i recall a lesson or two in my private school education stating this fact. but the toddler-sized, scratching satan from gymnastics was a no-show this week. i know you've been waiting to hear. the day after scratchfest 2009, i was going to visit the nordie's sale and blabbing to a friend about said scratchfest because clearly this has affected me more than anyone who, i don't know, was actually scratched, when who should appear? i know. satan is tricky that way. right there. in the nordstrom. being carried by her father. because let's face it. it's not safe to let that kid loose. i almost went into post traumatic stress attack. but i pulled it together. so apparently they still let her out in public. who knows if she has returned to the scene of the crime since the incident. who knows if her ass got kicked out. and that's why she has to hang out at the mall. who knows. but this i know. today at school, R and C were referred to by their teacher as "heavenly." good prevails over evil. take that.

Friday, July 17, 2009

turn the other cheek?

dear mother whom i don't know who was with your child in the waiting area of gymnastics before our class began,

remember when R and C and i walked into the small waiting area at gymnastics, before our class began?

remember when you asked "are they twins?" and i said "yes" and you said "oh, they're beautiful."?

remember when your satan daughter proceeded to shred my "beautiful" son's "beautiful" face for no reason whatsoever, treating it as though his "beautiful" face was a scratching post and someone had just declawed her back claws with no drugs and this was her last chance to scratch so damnit she was going to scratch and claw the beautifulness until it was shredded and begging for mercy?

hmm. well i remember. apparently in great detail. and you saying "sorry" while saying nothing to your 2-yr-old daughter, other than "use your words"...well, um, what words do you think she was trying to express through maniacal thrashing of another human being? "stop looking at my puzzle motherf*cker or i'll scratch your face off?" because if that was it. it still would have been better than a random act of violence. though he did cry. because he was injured. he was also confused. i have seriously never seen a child behave that way before. or a mother behave that way before. also, for your information, telling the other kids "everyone takes turns" on your way out the door, troubles me. a child should be able to, i don't know, look at something that another child is playing with, particularly when it is community property that belongs to no individual. hell, i don't care if he walked up to her and swiped the damn puzzle out of her hands and stomped on it gleefully (which he didn't). as long as he didn't bash it over her head, watching as puzzle pieces and chunks of hair and flesh plummeted to the ground. which is what i want to do to her now. and i guess technically you did warn me. remember when my son with the beautiful face walked over to your demon and you looked at me and said "she'll bite and scratch him" but as the word "bite" was coming out of your mouth, the rampage had already begun. it was like the time i took my sweet puppy to a dog park for the first time. and some dumbass with small boyparts, i might assume, brought his rot (not fixed, by the way) to co-mingle with the unsuspecting puppies who just naturally sniff things out. gus got mauled (but was fine).

so, i'm thinking...mother to mother. maybe the dog park, i mean gymnastics, is not the place for your toddler of terror. maybe anywhere where there is another human (maybe animals too) in a 2-mile radius is not the place for your monster.

but know this. i'm coming back next week. and i'm bringing my A game. i'll get hockey masks and mouth guards for the kids. i'll even get them shin guards, just in case. you won't be able to distract me with feeble compliments about my children's beauty or some half-assed warning about a potential and probable slaughter. oh no. i'll be ready. i'll be wearing a crucifix. and i'll lace the gymnastics' anti-bacterial gel dispenser with holy water.

prepared to do unto others

note to readers, other than satan's mommy: C is fine. it was the first outright attack i have witnessed. there was no blood (surprisingly). in addition to being hurt physically, his feelings were hurt. he was confused. he happens to be beautiful and sensitive (and smart too. and have i ever mentioned his natural athletic and artistic talents?). and resilient. full recovery.

this is how i remember her. but with horns. and fire.

Monday, June 29, 2009

more firsts

hmm. what have i been up to...what have we been doing...just business as usual. not much going on. it's one thousand degrees. so we don't go out. except when we take a family trip to florida just in time for the groundbreaking hottest days in florida history. thankyouverymuch. it was a great first trip to the beach for R and C. they loved. and i loved it for two days. and then i was ready to not have to rescue sand from peoples' crevices and sweat, not just to the oldies, but all. the. time. oh and C and R went to their first movie a la movie theater! are you curious? it. was. awesome. (and it was, obvi, curious george). we came. we sat. we saw. we ate our weights in popcorn. and we made it through the entire movie! i was fully prepared for a fight and a departure and another fight b/c C would not want the departure. but it was all harmony. i even got the soundtrack to remind us of our success. oh, another first...first baseball game. and i thought our first year was our year of firsts. third year? firsts o' plenty. i ate a hot dog (for shame!). let's not talk about contents. and how i don't really eat meat. and when i randomly decide to randomly eat a meat product, i go for just the by-products. the nastiest of the nasty. and then i share it with my children. and it.was.awesome. i doused it with ketchup, mustard, and relish, so there was only a hint of hot dog flavor. um... am i talking more about a hot dog than my kids? i think so. but it was probably the beer. the beer helped. anywho. first, first, first. and they're giant people. real bonafide humans. they use words like "actually" and "although" correctly in sentences. i've been thinking this whole time that it may be easier to have two kids going through the same stages at the same time. rather than, let's say, a toddler and newborn. that sounds hard. to me. so i'm all...hey, teething at the same time! check! it's bad. and then it's done. hey, diapers at the same time! check! it's bad. and then it's done. and why am i now thinking 15 years ahead when they will both graduate from high school. at the same time. hey, childhood at the same time! check! it's happy. and then. it's. done. waitasecond. no need to stress now. but it just reminds me. even in the middle of a bad. i'm going to cling to it. even amidst cryingscreamy time, sometimes accompanied by stomping of feet, i'm going to hold on to it. because that stage will be gone with the others (please). and then it will be high school. and i'm not in a hurry. even though i'm currently thinking about halloween costumes (um, october) and birthday party (um, november). and a new iphone (um, next week) and wallpapering one wall in my dining room (um, never). and a hot dog.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

diapers or car?

"oh, those are the expensive ones" said a mommy at the library after she borrowed one of C and R's seventh generation diapers.
later i watched her get into her range rover.
and even later...i had a thought.
maybe if i switched to a cheaper diaper, i could get a new car.
maybe diapers are the only thing holding me back!
maybe i should have used newspaper this whole time.

apparantly these are the only people who can afford seventh generation diapers.
but this is the car i want:
really i just want to load the kids in, roll down the windows, and sing "i think i love you" really loudly.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

mr. robot-o

word to the wise: don't teach your kids songs that A. you don't really know the words to, and B. contain words in another language (ie., when you find out the words you didn't know, it turns out you cannot pronounce them.) they're not in english. this is not a learning opportunity for my kids (or I) to learn a new language. that's what dora is for. how can anyone think of anything but "Mr. Roboto" when you see a robot? what else is there? the song just leaped from my lips. "do do do do do doh Mis-ter Robot-o" C and R caught onimmediately. "what's the other song?" asked C. translation: what are the words? what are the words to the song besides do do do do doh and Mister and Roboto? we got that. what else is there? mommy mental note was made. look. up. words. it should be harmless enough and if it gets raunchy i can just change the words like i did for rebel rebel by david bowie (ie., instead of "hot tramp i love you so" i simply insert a real kid's name for the "hot tramp" part. done and done. none the wiser. and before you go thinking i am crazy for introducing this song, i need you to know that the words "rebel rebel your face is a mess" also leaped from my lips one time long ago with the introduction of food. i didn't exactly plan it out. i'm sure you understand. and let us not forget how i saved the falling baby by changing the words of "rock-a-bye baby." true humanitarian.). so back to my robot-o lyrical blunder..."domo arigato, mister roboto." thankyouverymuch. literally. it means thank you. in japanese. maybe this is a learning opportunity for my kids (and me)! except. they didn't stop there. damn that styx. as if cursing our world with songs like "lady" and "come sail away" wasn't bad enough. "domo arigatou o-hima dedomo arigatou himitsu wo shiritai domo arigatou." um...shittake. what am i supposed to do with that? i just got domo arigato down. now this? apparently when mr. robot-o has time, styx would like to know what his secret is. (loose translation. by me.). and then it occurred to me. OMG WHYHAVEISPENTTHISAMOUNTOFTIMEONSTYXLYRICS? seriously. cultural enrichment aside. so here we are. i will choose my songs more carefully. i will make sure i know the lyrics. i will try to keep lyrics from leaping. i will try. suddenly i am thinking that R and C probably think i also don't know the words to that police song i keep singing to them. "da do do do da da da da." no really. that's it.
i found mr. robot-o like this in the dining room. apparently he needed a diaper change. domo arigato.

Monday, May 4, 2009

parting is such sweet sorrow

or is it? i used to have to hide from my kids when i was, say, in the kitchen and they were in the living room. they couldn't see me. or the MAAAMAAAAHHHH (while standing behind bars, ie. gate, with their little fingers clenched). would ensue. it. was. torture. for all of us. and sometimes when i leave, even now, there are tears. and sadness. it makes me feel terrible. like i'm abandoning them. even though we just spent the last 11 hours together for the day, i am now abandoning them. um, with. their. father. i'm pretty sure they're ok. and i'll be back! i promise! i always come back! don't they understand?! it's sadness. and then, sometimes, it's not. and i'm all "what the H?" R just said "big hug" and C just said "bye mommy!" a little too enthusiastically. don't they love me? won't they miss me? why are they not crying and blubbering that i am leaving? hello i'm abandoning you! be sad! cry! show a little emotion!
bipolar, much? (me, not them. they appear to be chemically centered, barring the occasional 2.5 year-old-melt).
i don't think it's long before R packs my bag for me and scoots me out the door. thanks for playing. unless i just jinxed myself and from here on after there will be epic meltdowns and i won't be able to leave the house ever at which point i'll post another blog entry about how i am a prisoner in my own house. i mentioned bipolar didn't i?

p.s. if someone is going to pack my bag, can this be it?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

dressobsessed update

well after trying on a kagillion dresses, i was starting to lose my obsession. quickly. but i'm reporting back with my purchase. i'm excited to tell you that i will be wearing the same dress (well, same-not exactly the same-mine is new) worn by kim cattrell on oprah this year (though if i did have her dress, ebay would be profitable post party). i tell you this not to dress namedrop, but because this is as close to samantha as i will ever be. and i like the dress. thank you neiman marcus last call for not making my CPW (cost per wear) ridiculous. and i found a babysitter! (and i still get to drink lots of wine).
dress success

Sunday, April 12, 2009


with the new found fun of constant questions and constant repeats and well, just constant talking in general, we were bound to run into some inappropriateness right? right?! i'm sure it's fine. it was a kid-friendly church service after all. we're strangely quiet for a moment. actually the whole church is strangely quiet for a moment. uh oh. "EASTER BUNNY!" "Where is the Easter Bunny?!" "See him." "I want to see him."
it's not like we don't talk about Jesus. you couldn't yell out a little "Jesus" on a day like today? you picked the easter bunny? um, we're kind of at church. not the egg hunt. that's what i get for bribing you to stay in your seats with fruit snacks (compliments of the easter bunny, ironically. see how i do this to myself?). i think they still think Jesus is a baby (since Christmas). i tried to explain that the picture they saw of Jesus today was of grown-up Jesus. but. it's a process. C thought the grown up Jesus was "Jesus' daddy" (still thinking of the nativity, i would imagine). thank everything (well, God, in particular) that we all got to sing "Jesus Loves Me" (fan favorite). then R brought us all home with some huge and critically timed AMEN's. sounds like AHHHH MEN. with a nod.
oh. you know i totally watched this show back in the day.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

dress obsessed

i'm dressobsessed. for me this time, not my toddler. i need a dress. OMG i need a dress. which means i have a reason to need a dress! a wedding. not mine. though i'm feeling like i haven't purchased a dressy dress since my own wedding, almost six years ago. no, no. i must have needed a dress in the last six years. yes. but not the last three years. no. so i'm off to a wedding, evening wedding. as long as a babysitter drops out of the sky (holding an umbrella would be best). and more importantly i need a dress. even if i wear it only once (low CPW, obvi) i can justify it. because what was i wearing in early 2005 exactly? not sure. but it doesn't need to come back out now. so it's my new current obsession, well one of them. oh dresses. if mary poppins doesn't pop into my home maybe i'll just get one of these numbers and sit in my living room with a bottle of wine.

i threw in a couple haute couture from the forever 21.
because they are twenty-two dollars and eighty cents each.
and that means more wine for me.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


C and R are in serious brussel sprouts love right now. no one loves brussel sprouts. au contraire mon frere. i know two people who love them. i'm pretty sure that as i type this i am putting a big fat jinx into the universe and tomorrow i'll cook up the BS (brussel sprouts, not the other kind of BS, though i cook that up regularly as well), and R and C will laugh in my face, then throw their heads back, cackling, flailing their little IKEA plates full of BS into the air, demanding enriched pasta. but for now i'll just be happy.